When words fail.

I’ve began this post a million different times, in a million different ways.  Words on the tip of my tongue, now pouring out from the tips of fingers.  I wish I could write that August was simply a whirlwind filled with fun and the desire to focus on my family as the calm days of summer dwindled down.  And partly, that would be true.

I’ve often remarked how much I admire full-time working moms, whether they have to work because of financial reasons or have to in the sense that they know that is what makes them a better mom; to have their time away to come back refreshed to their children.  I only work a paltry 15 hours a week, and I feel like the balance of available time escapes me far quicker than I can keep up with.  So, I had to take advantage of the free time when I had it.

But in truth, August was perhaps the most difficult month I’ve had to date.  In my entire life and in my faith walk.  While I can’t and won’t go into details, at least not anytime soon, I’ll say it was a trial.  I asked someone, “How do you respond when people ask how you are in a circumstance like this?”  A circumstance where you truly cannot share what’s happening, and, yet, do not want to lie and say you are “fine.”  The answer was, “I am going through a trial.  I can’t share about it, but thank you for praying.”

I never responded like that.  My default is “fine.”  Sometimes, I like my default.  It’s easier.  It’s safer.  It’s what I know.

***

whenwordsfail

I love this quote.  When I moved on from a teaching position, the next teacher to come in decorated an empty space with this quote that just zapped my heart.  I knew we’d be great friends after that. 🙂

I don’t know why music has always spoken to me, but it has.  I’d spend hours growing up listening to lyrics that seemed to describe how I was feeling and what I was going through better than I ever could.  Maybe that’s why I was never expressive; other people could do the work for me.

In the midst of just trying to get by day by day some weeks back, I knew in my heart that things needed to change.  I resolved; I pressed on.  And in those moments, what spoke to me were different songs.  I downloaded.  I made a playlist.  I titled it, “I’m gonna make it.”  Because I was.  Because I am.

And I know this can seem controversial in Christian circles.  I can imagine men in suits wagging fingers in my direction wondering why I was not finding my comfort in the Bible alone.  Because, psst, here’s another revelation: They weren’t all worship songs.  Some were; some you could turn on your local pop radio station and hear.

But they spoke to me.  Just like that little girl who lay on her bed with a Sony CD walkman and felt the emotion behind each chorus sung, there were songs that reminded me of the good I had in my life (trust me, this isn’t wasn’t about wallowing). They brought to remembrance that it’s okay to feel and it’s a beautiful thing that we do; they validated that’s it’s okay to not always be okay.

And one song that I had on repeat for many weeks eloquently puts into perspective a problem I’ve had all my life: this lack of communication.  This inability to just share; to be truthful.  It gets me no where.

Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin

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Oh, that Sara.  She reminds me to be braver.  To know that keeping it all in helps no one, especially me.  To step out of comfort zones.  And don’t get me wrong, I find that when I read the Bible too.  But who is to say what means that even God himself can use to get a point across.

Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live

I want out of the cage.  Out of a warped mind that believes the lies her mind sometimes tells her.  I don’t want to feel or to be trapped by fear.  There’s wisdom in thinking before you speak, for sure.  But there’s damage to be done when nothing gets said.  At all.  And it feels icky when those words do just settle in.  They permeate.  They develop into bitterness.  They grow.  Bottling it up doesn’t make the issues or problems go away.  If anything, it can make those issues and problems worse.

When words fail, music speaks.

Sometimes I don’t know what to write in this space.  Sometimes I won’t know what’s appropriate to say right away or what I will need to meditate on for awhile.  But I know there’s always a song waiting to help me through.

But the music is not the default.

The Lord is my strength and my song;
    he has become my salvation.
Psalm 118:14 ESV

God puts the song in my heart.  To cope.  To sometimes just make it through the day.  But more than anything, to overcome.

He just has creative ways of helping us along the journey.  And for that,

I’m grateful.

*The picture used in this post was originally found, by me, here. I do not know if this is the original source, but I am simply trying to give credit to how I came by it.

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