Dear Tofer,

A few weeks ago, we were at Target enjoying a snack and your dad left to go find some cold medicine.

We continued chatting and for whatever reason I said to you, You are my heart.

And you replied, Well, if I’m your heart how are you going to survive when one day I move far away?

(It was a very Johnny-Depp-in-the-movie-Blow moment which, apparently, YouTube does not have a clip of.)

You didn’t realize why I had to turn my head in that moment to blink back the tears that surely would have trickled had I not.

Because the truth is, kid…I don’t know.

Hospital (5)

The other day your daddy gave you 30 extra minutes of staying up time because you did so well on a Math test you had studied hard for.  Your dad asked you what you wanted to do with that time.

Your response?  Uh, I don’t know.  Probably snuggle with mom.

And sure enough, right after shower time, you came right to me.  Except there was more rough-housing than snuggling as we tickled, play fought, and performed our mother-son acrobatics routine that no one else would understand.

1 to 2 months (21)Every year, I try to think of the words I know I want to write to you on this day.  Without fail, there are never enough adequate ones to convey what you mean to me. I can only hope that one day you will look back on them and know how fiercely I loved you.  Little man, I’d go to the ends of the earth for you if I needed to.  Believe that.

God used you to save my life.  Both literally and spiritually.  I am forever grateful to Him.  I am so glad I get to be your mother.

Someone I follow on Instagram wrote this about her son:

This person turns 10 tomorrow.  If I think about it for too long, breathing becomes a problem.  #changedmyworldforever

DSC02646Yes, Tofer.  Today that day has arrived.  But my breathing problems started the moment I found out about you.  Wondering if I’d be good enough to take care of another human.  Hoping I was doing a decent job and that you would be safe and protected when you finally did arrive.  Striving with everything in me to make you happy in the time that has passed since.

You have changed my world.  But my prayer is you would be that you would be a world-changer in an even greater sense.  That you would serve God and make His name known.

A whole decade.  Ten years.  It’s hard to comprehend that that much time has passed.

A child’s birthday is one of many emotional paradoxes in the life of a mother.

45383_422826742186_142110_nI’m so glad that our loving Father has given you another year.  It’s exciting to see the candles on the cake get bigger!  To watch you grow and learn new things and become your own little person with an amazing personality.  But my heart also grieves the years that have gone by too quickly.  What I wouldn’t give for you to be that chubby baby in my arms again.

So, my little Goob.  I’ll look in the mirror today and internally give myself a high-five for making it this far in the parenthood game.  And I’ll pray that I get many more decades to continue to love on you and be the mom God has called me to be.

No, little man, it’s not easy to watch you get older.  Knowing that more and more and little by little I have to let go.  Let you make your own choices; use the wisdom we’ve tried to teach you and have asked God to instill in you as you navigate decisions and decide for yourself right from wrong.  The time of you going out on your own is fast approaching; the moments of not needing mom and dad to help you every step of the way is inching upon us.  The years I now have left with you in my home are far shorter.  But this journey…as gut-wrenching as it can sometimes be?  I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I love you, Christofer.  You bring your momma so much joy.

May you always know the depth of my love for you…

Hospital (10)

from the moment I found out about you to the moment I met you and now ten years later.


_MG_2472_copyTofer at {almost} ten.

Click the links below for a recap of years 1-9:
When it all began.
The Not-So-Terrible-Twos.
Four & Five.
Age 6.
And then you were nine.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s