Closing a chapter.

IMG_0690My dearest boy,

One of the most profound statements, in my opinion, that I’ve ever made in this little writing space of mine is that there would never be enough time to love you with all that I have.

And as we approach the birth of your little brother or sister, that statement has been swirling around in my head. Because it’s true. There was not enough time.

Anticipating the arrival of your sibling does not mean I will stop loving you, of course. But the time and attention I’ve been able to devote to just you is ceasing, and the tears that fall when I think of that are a mixture of gratefulness and sadness of this era that is coming to an end.

God really hit it out of the park by giving your father and I you as a first child. I do not know if that will help us to be better parents this second time around, or if it scares us to think there is no possible way to have another child like you. Because, boy, are you special. And one of my biggest prayers have been to never compare our newest arrival to the baby and child and now young man you have become, because it just wouldn’t be fair. There’s something about you, little man. You’re from a mold never to be replicated.

I’ve always been very intentional in my relationship with you, but even more so since finding out about this baby. I will fondly look back to the summer of 2014 as one of our best. I will forever remember mornings of making pancakes, racing in pools, playing soccer on the beach, and days in the city. IMG_0692

But most of all, I’ll remember how well you loved and cared for me. How the young man who was beginning to grow began to become aware as well that our relationship would be changing and so he grabbed my hand a bit more often and cuddled on the couch more frequently.

For months now, I’ve been hearing what a great big brother you will be. But really, I think about what an amazing husband you will be one day should you choose to get married. From opening car doors for me to yelling–yes, yelling–every time you saw me bend to pick up something because I was pregnant and should not be doing “manual labor” as you called it, your heart to care and protect someone you love was so evident. You let me rest, you learned a lot more independence, and I’m so grateful for this immense understanding you have with all we’ve dealt with these last nine months.

I love you, my son. A baby will never change that, and yet I know I will now need to learn how to divide, or at least share, my attention between a new creation that needs me and a young man who does as well. That’s hard to do after ten years. I will have children in two very completely different stages of life and I pray for the grace and knowledge to know how to deal with both simultaneously. I am confident that both of us will rise to the challenge.

Tofer, there’s no doubt you have been one of my best friends. And I pray you will never be negatively affected by this new arrival, but only experience joy in this new season of our lives. Having another child was never an indication of not being 100% completely satisfied with having only you. The peace and contentment the Lord gave me in being okay with having an only child was overwhelming. You are and will remain one of my earthly everythings. The space you have in my heart is going to be hard to shift, but I know it will be done. It’s hard to imagine loving another the way I’ve loved you, and that’s the truth being written, but I know I will love your sibling in both the same and different ways. There’s no doubt though that our relationship will always be built on something immensely special.

I feel like there’s so much more I can write, but I’ll end it here. With a lot of love and gratefulness to God about the son he has thus far blessed me with.

I pray on the days of sleepless nights and having a tired mama, you will be filled with understanding. I pray your sibling will be your new best friend despite the age gap. I pray you will be blessed by this new arrival and never miss your “only child” status.

No, Goob, there was not enough time to love only you with all that I have. But, I pray, there are many many more decades to come of continuing to try.

Congratulations on being promoted to big brother. I hope it is everything you have imagined it to be.

With love always,